This is English version of “Hayır demeden önce…”
Note: I use her/him randomly for uncertain gender situations in my sentences. I do not like to prefer him always, that is why there is a note here.
Enjoy your time :)
I’m going to talk about saying no today. Recently, we have been talking about the importance of saying no, whether it is for the business world or our culture. And we’re right, we tend to accept it and say, “But it would be embarrassing, inappropriate, how can I say no”. Maybe we’ll come to this general no for another time, but the area I’m focusing on today is saying no as a parent. I am not an expert or psychologist or pedagogue on this subject. I’m writing on my behalf. My opinions my feelings.
I am okay with “Don’t always say yes to children, don’t be spoiled.” yes, but don’t always say no. In fact, the issue is not yes or no, to listen. Even if you are not going to say yes to something, just listen to what she says she wants and why. Why is that? Let her explain, express herself, then be no. A no with your reasons, your explanations…
If this does not happen, if you say no directly without saying or asking anything, the distance of your relationship with the child will grow gradually. We are talking about negative growth. It’s 2021, kids are always on the phone on the tablet. No. Can we think about the opposite direction? What if they hug their phones because of the huge distance in their own houses? That’s why the distances are too much. Fears were very common in the past from friends like they got used to smoking. Now we hear the influencer and YouTuber examples very much. There is a reason. They don’t reject your children. They say come, like my video, subscribe… They say like my video. Their likes express something to someone there. Are we aware that how many children say “How happy I would be if you leave my heart to my comment” under Youtube videos?
I will not talk about it's good or bad. I will just ask, do you leave any heart to their comments as their parents? Have you left heart to any comments? These are to leave metaphors on our real life, of course, but think about it. The child who is used to smoking from that friend imitates someone who listens to him, who cares for him.
We tend to imitate as human beings. From the movement of the person next to us to the sounds we hear while learning how to speak when we are born. The more similar the person next to us, the closer we feel, the more secure, happy. We always ask names and where are you from questions when we meet someone first. Same place, something similar, makes us closer. Maybe we just met, but when you learned that you’re from the same places or schools, etc, that makes something closer than the first meet.
Just assume. The upcoming answer is always no. Again and again.
Our teenage times were different, what a bad X movie / book / game / person you’re lookin at… Stop for a second, ask him “How does it sound to you, why you like it?”… Let him tell as much as he wants, if she wants. We say children do not speak to us, do not spend time with us. Do we ever get tired of complaining and ask ourselves why? When did the distance get so big and when did we become not capable of listening each of us?
Just ask. Wonder him. Wonder her. Do interrogate. Ask him what he want, in which way…
I speak for close relationships, primarily parenting. Long-distance parenting, side by side. If we see that she is getting very close to others than us from social media, we would be upset most. You cannot protect him without knowing and caring for him deeply.
Don’t be willing to say no. Rejection is not such a great thing.
Maybe you will like it if you listen, who knows? Staying the same is not in our genes, we are creatures whose cells are constantly being renewed every second. Let her try. Let him try. Listen. Just listen.
Let’s listen to each of us. We really do not have to have same “yes”es. We lose our connections in no swamps. Is there anything more important we should pay attention to?
Really?..
